I love to get away. A change of scenery, a change of obligations it all does an amazing thing. This trip started out with time with my daughter. Due to the way I disassociate from my feelings when I actually saw her it was then I realized how much I missed her; actually it may have been more on her return. I love seeing her, loved sharing time with her. We saw an amazing band which I could spend a whole post on.
When she was gone, I seemed to have shut down. Am doing some journaling but am over eating, I am drinking more. I am filling up a hole that I don’t always give into. I still have some time left that I can turn around and make healthy choices. One thing I have been really working on is accepting me. So, would this not be any different.
Why would I just not accept this total down time, total shut down. I am ok, just the way I am, no? Even this total “lay around”, no walks, too much wine, too much food self? This is ok too, no? Why beat myself up so badly? Am I not usually on major DO DO DO mode?
What is ok about this? ….
……….
…………..
Not much.
Ok, it has only been two days. Two days is a rest. Two days does not a course make. I hear a voice saying it was more than two. When my girl and I got our time together we stayed up late arriving to this beautiful Arizona weather, we slept in, we checked out and moved locations and we had dinner and time with my brother. I have not seen him since our father passed. This was good. So much goes into time with my brother, so many feelings, so many realizations of how much I hold a wall up to those around me. My daughter busts through it but it is still not comfortable. I don’t truly feel comfortable with anyone. How much do I feel comfortable when I am totally by myself.
I have been single for a couple years now and I am still not at 100% comfortable with ME. This is my desire right now. Learning who I am and that I can totally be myself. I can find me in all this mess. I am sure.
First step was FEELING. I have started that. Sometimes that has sucked. I feel anxiety. I feel fear. Intensely. At times I am not even sure why. But that is ok! I will continue to FEEL – whatever that feeling is. Sit with it. Welcome it as a friend.