So much going on in life! One of the biggest plus’s for me at the moment is finding I am not being that always being hard on myself. I am seeing cracks of ability to witness my auto pilot reactions.

I tend to be ready to defend everything I do, every time I may not do the right thing, understand what someone is saying right off (even if they might be lacking in communicating clearly); (even if it is on text which is never clear). I always feel defensive energy when I do anything that appears “wrong”.

I have been learning why. I learned early that I would have love removed if I was wrong or did something that did not align with my mother’s expectations. This ultimately felt as if my very existence was being denied. When we have a parent habitually do this, because they are our lifeline, we blame ourselves for the pulling away, for the treatment. The feelings of no self worth become ingrained and part of us. I am learning that my mom was not emotionally mature. I am also understanding that she did her best and this was not really ME. I hear those words, I just wrote those words, but living that is not at the surface. What lives at the surface is defensiveness, getting upset that someone points a finger at my inaccuracies with my nervous system being disrupted.

What is awesome though? I am FEELING that disruption, I am watching the emerging defensiveness. I am not always successful in the halting of the reactions, the auto pilot way of being but I am seeing it, witnessing it, understanding that it is a habitual part of myself and allowing it to be ok. It is ok to be me, it is ok that I am triggered and it is ok that I will react defensively. In time, I believe that this habit will be replaced by another better habit of the pause…. Pause and understand the reaction I feel in my body is a momentary visitor.